Riddle Me This Batman

What if the sun refused to shine?
What if the clouds refused to rain?
What if the wind refused to blow?
What if the seas refused to wave?
What if the world refused to turn?
What if the stars would hesitate?

What if, what is isn't true?
What are you going to do?
What if, what is isn't you?
Does that mean you've got to lose?
Digging for the feel of something new- "Appels + Oranjes" by Smashing Pumpkins

You can't help to think about it when it is late at night and you are all alone. Questions like these can keep you thinking through out the night where all you want to do is to rest. And this is coming from a person who experience these thoughts just about every night I try to go to bed. Or its my good friend insomnia.  Well it is one of the two options.

These questions have no answers and many possibilities on your own point of view on what would happen.  Just like the possibilities, there is also your own sense of mood of the whole issues. From serious to humorous,  it just depends on what the mind creates. Yes, everything comes back to the mind.

It is mind over matter after all. We create what others can't and no one else can make duplicates of our own personal creations. I guess that makes us unique and different and it shows how we interpenetrate a question given to us.  Or that's how I tend to see it. Anyway, there is no answers to the questions we think of but it won't stop us from thinking them.

Too weird for the normal, too normal for the weird

It seems that I trend of the Friday night posts are always done while watching Ghost Adventures. I always amazed that I get these ones done since I usually get distracted when writing theses. But that's what I get for being weird and strange!

Now that I think about it, the best way to describe me is too weird, too normal. Yeah, that fits very well and I have to say some of the things that I like tend to creep people out. A good example has to be my love for asylums and my wish to spend one night in one even though I know the dangers of them.  I believe in spirits, ghosts,  extraterrestrials and also inkubus and  sukkubus. Of course the common thing I like ever since I was little was anime (not to the extent of an Otaku). 

Another thing that I love are cult films and my favorite one has to be Repo! The Genetic Opera. I'm also a huge sucker for musicals and the one that you will most likely catch me listening to is the Spring Awakening soundtrack. One thing that I really would love to try is human suspension and that is hanging the human body from (or partially from) hooks pierced through the flesh in various places around the body. I've always find that rather interesting and strangely attracting.

Being Batty Never Hurt Anyone

As things come to mind, I have been asked many different questions about the Gothic lifestyle. You have to admit that almost eight years since I started the lifestyle ( yes a lifestyle, not a phase) it just gets old and trying to answer the same old questions. That does include the common things people think and hear about Goths.

Thus the site that will help people understand us more and will get rid of the modern myths of Goths. Here at Gothic Charm School! Yes, a Charm School and its based on the same book and site creator The Lady of the Manners herself Jillian Venters.  If you are wondering, yes I do own the book and it is sitting right next to me as I type it.

Gothic Charm School gives out advise on all sort of things Goths go through everyday and what we have to deal with. She also have a few posts describing the myths that people think about Goths. But the most important thing that I like about it is the manners factor. Yes manners, and that does include how to treat people nicely and not get all upset over the simplest of things. Like questions for an example. It is an excellent read for people who want to know more about Goths in general.

"The only thing I ever wanted was...."

To be accepted and if I remember right,  this would be taken from my elementary school days sadly. I time where I don't want to remember due to the loads of bad memories that I experienced. Well, I did get that wish but it wasn't until high school when my peers finally accepted me for who I am.

Let me just say this, I believe that the main reason for the teasing I went through was my religion. Yes, I was teased because of my religion. Kids are cruel and they don't understand the other religions unless it is the common ones they grew up to knowing. I'm not ashamed to be a part of the religion since I grew up to it and when my mother decided to go back to being a Christian when I was ten, I didn't want to take a part of it.

Now as I see it I don't care if I dress in mostly black, being a bookworm, being strange and too weird, too normal. I would have cared and even cried at all of the teasing when I was eight and just hoping that one day that I would be accepted. Hoping and waiting does take out a lot in a person and I'm just glad that I can push the past aside.

Expantations

I do have some high expectations of myself when it comes to certain things. From to school to life, I tend to put myself in high regards and never giving up. Now that I think about it, it makes me pretty determined and stubborn most of the time. 

Most of it is passing my classes and not having to take a class over or summer school (and I have to say that so far in my school life, I only failed one class). I really don't know why I tried that hard. Maybe it is the fact that I don't want to disappoint my parents, no matter how many times they tell me that they are proud of me no matter what. I guess that's always a relief to me since I always had to work harder in school unlike my older sister.

I guess that makes me more determined in life in general and I guess that helps me become a stronger person. I'm already a strong person but I would like to become a little bit stronger. Both mentally and spiritually. Who knows what the future leads, I sure know I don't.

"And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open"

"No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world." - "Blinding" by Florance and the Machine

That song sums me up a lot if I say so myself. Now that I think about it, what you went through growing up shapes who you are and how you act. I guess you can say that thanks to medication I take, it helps me to open up and enjoy the world a lot more. Yes, you read it right I take medication.

Anti-depressants to be exact. 

Yes I am clinically depressed and lucky me it runs in the family (both sides to be exact) and I admit that this takes a lot to come out in the open about it and I think its high time to get in the mind of Sarah Adams.  Trust me, I wouldn't coming out of this in front of everyone but I trust you guys and trust me, I don't trust easily.

First off, my childhood wasn't all the great due to me not having any friends and the bullying I got through out my elementary school years. I really didn't start to make any friends until my fourth grade year and the few friends I have that went to my school are the people I would sacrifice my life for. I also learned though elementary school that I should never trust anyone since if I did, I would get hurt and even today I still have trouble trusting people.

I'm not all that open due to the teasing and having people judged me with the things I like and why I am not like everyone else. It still hurts me when I think about it but over the years  I've learned to accept and to love being too weird, too normal.  Besides, being like everyone else is boring.

The depression is something I had for the last five years (six this up coming May) and this is the month where is started to happen back in 2007. Those were the dark times for me and I had no motivation and losing hope every day. I guess having a mental breakdown in your bathroom was the final straw and thus the trip to the doctor's to get diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. What a lovely combination no? I still do suffer from the social anxiety but I take it one day at a time.

I guess that now gives a little insight of my life. Just only a little slice since I still have a lot of mystery in me that I'm not ready to share but this is one step for me. To get a better feeling of this post, check out "Blinding" by Florance and the Machine to get you in the mood.

Memories

First of all, the song does have important part in telling the story and it goes along with my favorite memory. There is a back story that is long and personal but to sum it up, in October 2008 when I was in eleventh grade a classmate died in a car crash and the driver (the one driving) was drunk. Let's just say that a few days after he died was when I discovered The Crüxshadows.

There is just way too much to describe how this band means so much to me and why I love them so much but that would just be me rambling. Anyway, on November 22nd 2008 they came here for their first show in Rochester at Water Street Music Hall and I manage to convince my mother on Halloween to buy the tickets so we can go.  We left there 6:20 at night and we got there just around seven. When we got there, we were the only ones that stand out from the rest of the crowd (and only a few people to bring coats since it was freezing outside). There was another two people who were behind us and when we got inside they were asking if another band played today and if it was the 22nd. I had to tell them that the 22nd was yesterday and they ended up running out.

There wasn't that many people as I thought it would be and I ended up getting a shirt and I "took" one of the fliers from the bulletin board that was up there.  I got front row again since I quickly decided to go up before the other people came. The first band that played was I: Scintilla and they were pretty good. And I loved the female vocals she had. The second one, The Azoic was good also and they started the dancing off for the people in the back (it was very amusing to watch and I do admit that every time I go to a show, there is always that guy who dressed up as Jesus there).

At ten, The Crüxshadows finally came on stage and that's when the fun began. The dancers were wonderful, the music was awesome, and the energy that Rogue brought made everything work out. I was very happy that the fourth song they played was "Sophia" (my favorite song by them)and it was just too awesome. I loved the part when Rogue started to move around the bar in the middle of the song. "Dragonfly" was wonderful and I have to say that I had my eyes glued to the dancers. The green lights were also very cool and fit the song well. They also did "Souls" (another one of my favorites) and the live version made it a nice touch to the song.

I got excited when they started to play "Deception" and that was very entertaining. The reason for it to be very entertaining because Rogue started to dance with the crowd and they started to go in circles. I liked his little talk about snow here and the hurricanes in Florida. My favorite line has to be "The problem with hurricane warnings is that no one takes them seriously. Oh look it's a warning, you have work tomorrow." "Winterborn" was very nice, I like the feeling of the stage felt and the moves made it a stronger feel.

They ended up playing two encore songs at the end and they were two of my favorites. The first one they played was "Monsters" and I love it even better live. I think it has to do with the flashlights and the few lights on. The final song they played was "Marilyn My Bitterness" and that was awesome! Out of pure luck, JoHanna ended up picking me to go on stage with the other group of people. Overall, I had a wonderful time and I have some pics. I saved the best one for last after the last song was over.